What a Summer!

As my last post said, i moved to seagraves to care for my Granny. Everyone has always said we are twin souls. Oh how true is that! When we arrived, Mom thought it would be a quick trip for her and Kohni. She had to take care of putting Papa in the nursing home. Where were His daughters?? Nowhere, of course! It was such an ordeal! You wouldn't believe all the papers that had to be filled out and signed. Mom, Kohni and I filled them all out for Granny, but she had to sign them. It took us 3 days to fill them out. Seriously! Of course we'd only work on them an hour or so at a time, but still. It took Mom and Kohni 2 hours to get through the signing with Granny. I think they counted 25 places Granny had to sign or initial. Mostly sign. Anyway, We got him settled in at the nursing home in Seminole (18 miles from Seagraves). Granny wasn't able to go see him at the hospital or the nursing home, because she was sick. She'd had a horrible cough for a week or so. They didn't want her up there, because of possibly being contagious. It was a combination of allergies and asthma. Anyway, Mom and Kohni went home on a Sunday I believe. The following week I spent a lot of time with Granny by myself. I wasn't feeling to hot (that time of the month), and my back started hurting, so I stayed in my room the bettter part of 2 days. That's my one regret. I was determined to put some weight back on her, and feed her healthy, nutritious meals. She'd been dropping hints that she wanted bread pudding all week. On the afternoon of the 5th, I backed a bunch of peanut butter cookies for Papa, made bread pudding for Granny, steamed veggies, baked sweet potatos, and grilled. I took Granny a cookie, but she asleep. She'd complained earlier that day that she didn't sleep much the night before. She said she was tossing and turning all night, and having a conversation with me in her sleep. I wish i knew what we were conversing about though. Anyway, I let her sleep. About an hour or two later I took her a plate of food. I tried to wake her up, because she hadn't eaten all day. She wouldn't wake up. I touched her leg, gently. It was cold and hard. That wasn't unusual, however. I knew though. She was gone. I tried to wake her up over and over. Calling her name, shaking her arm, checked her pulse. Nothing. Then a strange thing happened. I put my hand on her chest. Just below her breasts, not on her stomach. I said, "Granny!" and at that moment I got a sudden surge of electricity shoot from the palm of my hand all over my body. I started shaking. I'm sure part of it was shock, but not all of it. I can't explain it. Anyway, I went to the kitchen to call 911, but my fingers had a mind of their own. I called my Uncle instead. He wasn't there, but Aunt Judy was. She said David was gone, and before she could tell me where he went, I said, "I can't wake Granny up." When we hung up, I called 911, and gave them the address, which I had to go outside and look at the side of the house and the street signs to remember. LOL They've lived in this house my whole life, but use a PO Box, so I've never had an occasion to know the physical addy! Judy said they called 911 as well, but had to look up the addy in the phone book. lol I went back to Granny's room and just stared at her. I knew she was gone. The doorbell rang, and it was the sherriff who had befriended Granny and Papa a couple of years ago. He came in and checked her pulse. He was getting choked up when he said he couldn't feel anything. I just stood there. That electricity was still moving throughout my body, and the shock was setting in. Judy arrived when the EMT's did. They went to Granny's room and tried to revive her. David had come in by then and went straight back. He came in the dining room where Judy and myself had been waiting, out of the way. He said she was gone. Which, as I said, I already knew. He called my Mom, instead of letting me do it, which was the plan. We had a plan. I was to call Mom's friend, and he would tell her. David then left and got Dennis, my other uncle who had come down for my Pa's funeral. Mom, David, and Dennis lost their Mom and Dad 1 day shy of a month apart. What they are feeling right now, I have an idea of, but then again, I don't. My Granny meant everything to me. As long as she was there (here), everything was alright. She was my rock. I was her rock. No one ever understood either of us, really. Except each other. We were best friends. I feel like half of me is missing, but she would crawl out of that coffin and strangle me if I didn't stand up straight and push ahead. So, that's what I'm doing. There has been someone here with me since that night. My cousin Erin stayed with me the night she died. She wasn't my sister, who I really wanted to be here (and tried her damndest to get here asap), but Erin was a very very close second. She helped me find Granny's emerald green dress, her wig (that she'd been washing and fixing for 20 just for this occasion - she's been sick a very long time), make arrangements, clean, and just talked to me and made me laugh. That was the most important thing...making me laugh. I bought her a necklace as gratitude, but to me it wasn't enough. So, it seems that every other week something has happened. Of course, Ma, my step-grandmother (to me, there is no "step") moved to Houston with her daughter yesterday. That was HARD. None of us wanted her to go, and she didn't want to go, but Betty Grace is her daughter and needs to take care of her. It feels like I'm loosing my grandparents left and right. I still have my Dad's side. I'm so glad...no, thankful....that Ma Janie and I (my Dad's Mom) made ammends. Granny told me 2 years ago that I had to do it, because "You will need her when i'm gone." Boy, is that an understatement.

I dreamed of Granny's dad. He said, "Here girl! You're an Easly, straighten that back up!"

I'm standing straight and tall (as tall as a shorty can lol), and I'm looking ahead.

I miss her though.

The Things that Unconditional Love Makes Us Do

My Pa passed away. I cannot put into words just how much that freakin' sucks. That was 2 weeks ago. We left the day after he died, for Seagraves. The following Saturday we returned to Arlington. I had to talk to my stepdad about inheritance issues. That was strange to do. In the process, however, he informs me that we can't keep living here due to his injuries and lack of income due to said injuries. Granny and Papa had asked me several times about staying with them, which I didn't really want to do. However, when it came time to leave, I was distraught. So, Mike asked if I could take Heath and go live with my Granny to care for her and everyone else. The following Monday, I took Mike to Dallas for shoulder surgery. It was a mess! The doctor wasn't sure he'd be able to fix it, but he did the best he could. Although the surgery injury hurts, Mike said the constant pain it had been in is gone. So, that's good, I s'pose. Tuesday Mom called to check on Granny. She said she was fine, but that Papa had gone to bathe but wouldn't get out of the tub. Mom was worried, but granny said he was just having a moment and to let it lie. Wednesday Mom called, due to a gut feeling, and Granny informs her that Papa was STILL in the tub. Mom called Aunt Judy, but she was in Monahans. She then called Papa's oldest daughter Dana, but she was in Cisco. Judy called Uncle David at the high school where he teaches, and he went to check on him. Judy said that prior to her leaving she'd gone to granny's to take the mail, and she didn't see Papa (this was tuesday). She figured he'd gone to the bathroom, so she just left the mail on the counter. The next morning she by again, to drop the mail off, and everything was just as she'd left it the day before. This worried her. Like I said, it's been 2 weeks since Pa died, so David and Judy are still in shock. Judy didn't know what to think, so she walked to the back, and found Granny in her room watching TV. She told her that Papa was in the bathtub, and would she mind checking on him. Judy knocked on the door, and he mumbled something to her. She figured he was fine. At this point is when Mom called Judy, and they put two and two together. He'd been in the bathtub for 48 hours!! Granny tried to coax him out, but he refused. He said he was happy where he was, it was cool, comfortable, and he was fine. Granny took him a towel to sit on, brought him a blanket and pillow, and left him. She would occasionally go in there to try to get him out, but he'd run her out. So, after Mom and Judy make their discovery, Judy then called David and he went over there. He asked Papa if he was okay, and Papa asked him to help him get out of the bathtub. David said he was shaking, had sores all over him, he was sick, coherent at first but didn't make sense after he got out of the tub, and he was bleeding somewhere and if got on David's clothes. He put him in bed, and told him he'd be back when he got off of work (was only a couple of hours), and he would then be taking him to the hospital. Well, the hospital kept him, and Papa agreed to go into a nursing home. So, at this point, Granny is sitting in that big house alone. She can't be alone, because there are times when she hurts so bad she can't go to the kitchen for a drink of water. She refuses to leave her house, but that is a whole other issue. I should interject at this point that she has a friend (she's a bit younger than Mom), that comes by and checks on her. Leisha is her name. Leisha also picks their meds up for them, and brings them groceries. Granny pays her, of course, but they have become friends. That's great! However, Leisha can't move in, she's in college and has her own family to take care of. So, what I'm leading to is that it looks like I get to go to Seagraves and take care of everyone. Yay. That's a sarcastic Yay. If I didn't love my Granny so damn much.....lol I leave tomorrow night. I said goodbye to Brenda and Sherri tonight. I can't talk about that....

Journey on Pa

My Pa died today. He would have turned 80 on September 6 this year. He was a strong, powerful, funny, loving, boisterous, handsome, and spirit filled man. I've often felt guilty for not spending as much time with him as I would have liked, but this morning after I heard the news I "saw" him standing before me saying, "Hon, you're the one I never had to worry about." I will miss him more than even I will know. I'm not sad that he's gone "home." I wish him well on the next part of his journey. I'm sad for me and those that love him...we'll miss him.

Rufus M. Wilson
September 6, 1928 - May 9, 2008
Seagraves, TX

Pain and Roses.

This may not be the most articulate of anything I ever write, but whatever. LOL

Jim Morrison once said,“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” I have had a moment today of feeling guilty over feeling my pain. Today isn't a good day for me, as far as physical pain. It's about a 7. Also, waking up to a story about a woman, her father dying with his head resting on the seat of an empty chair set out for Jesus didn't help, or did it? When I awoke this morning, my right eye felt like someone had stuck a hot poker in it, and seemed to get worse even after I took off my contacts. Nothing was helping, until I read Stormy's story about the old man and Jesus' chair. Was it divine healing I received, or can it be explained scientifically in that I cried therefore washing the inflammation of my eye? Does it matter?

The truth is, I feel divinity around me at all times. Even when I'm discussing the validity of Christianity, Paganism, and Atheism with my sister. I claim to be Christian and Pagan, she claims she's Atheist. The truth for both of us, in all reality, is that we're Agnostic. But, these are just labels. When someone asks me what religion I am, I cringe. Religions, to me, place too many boundaries on what a person can and cannot believe in. I don't believe in Religion, because I believe in individualism. I am me, You are you, We can come together for a time and exchange ideas and beliefs, but in the end, I am me, You are you. I usually laugh and say I'm "Tashidian." I don't believe anyone is right, nor is anyone wrong. I've always been told that it doesn't matter how you get there, it's the journey, and the final destination that matter. Divinity is within and all around. It's in the air, the water, the trees, the people you love, the people you want to smack upside their head, the loud car that rattles the windows with rap music, the pain in the eye when you wake up, the constant pain all over your body. Divinity is in joy and suffering. I used to look at things and say, "Okay, what am I to learn from this pain today?" Again, that was limiting myself, my mind, my soul. Finding joy outside of the physical is what is important. Divinity never leans you, you turn away from it. Become blinded to it. I'm being awakened, and my eyes are wide open....at least spiritually, because physically that's difficult right now. HAHA! right now I'm trying to decipher what it is I'm looking at.

Recently I had changed my status on myspace to "Tasha is free." I was asked "free from what?" I said it was from Me. Me, being my Ego. I am free. There are no longer silly constraints placed on me, that are impossible to live up too. Tony Morrison said, “Bit by bit . . . she had claimed herself. Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” That's where I am now. Claiming it. Owning it. Being it. Life's difficulties are still in my face, but I'm finding them easier and easier to deal with. This is something new and exciting! I am no longer afraid of myself. I accept my Self, my ideals, my beliefs, my abilities, my gifts with the fullest heart and open arms.

I'm not going to feel guilty about my physical pain. I'm going to forgive myself for playing Wonder Woman and lifting that antique bed. Most of all, I'm going to feel the pain, and rejoice in the fact that I CAN. I feel pain, just as I feel joy.

Stop and smell the roses. That was Tisha's advice today. I love roses.

Today, I'm a 7. Today I breathe.

Oprah and Eckhart Tolle: The Flowering of the Human Consciousness of "A New Earth"

I am going to begin using this blog as a way to study A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The blogs will not only contain what is discussed in the book, Tolle and Oprah's podcasts, and also my own input and thoughts as well. I'd love open discussion, if you have any thoughts of your own!

Oprah and Eckhart Tolle: The Flowering of the Human Consciousness of "A New Earth"

They were talking about walking into a garden or a park, and looking at plants, trees, the grass in a whole new way. To look at it without giving it a name, as a babe would. A deeper meaning of what the Bible says, to be child-like in nature, hit me. Suddenly I realize what it really means to be "innocent in this world." Oprah said she went out into her garden one afternoon, and didn't look at the lovely colors, the wonderful smells, but instead she saw the flowers for what they were, not their labels. She was in the Now. Tolle says that the compulsive naming of things, and applying labels, keeps us from stillness and true enlightenment. It disconnects us from Spirit when we are concerned, not for the thing it self, but its name, purpose, and what it can do for us (flowers - smell, color, beauty). Not labeling nature, as a start, causes a vibrating within life. The world around is vitally alive. Being in one's own head, or lost in thought, doesn't allow you to see the world and life around you. You begin to see decay, death, destruction, instead of the growth of the flowers, the flight of the bumblebee, the smile of a child. Squelch "The Voice in the Head" that asks all the questions, and doesn't hear the answers.


A woman from Alton, IL. called in and asked how Oprah has reconciled the teachings of Tolle and that of her Christian beliefs. Oprah told a story of how she was raised Baptist and how one day she was caught up in the rapture of a sermon when the preacher started talking about how God is omnipotent and omnipresent, but that he is a jealous God. She says it didn't feel right within her Spirit. This is something that I too faced as a child, and then later as an adult. The last time was one evening at the First Baptist Church in Seagraves, TX. I was working at the church, running the nursery, on Wednesdays and Sundays. There was a speaker that I could turn on and listen to the sermon. As I sat in that empty nursery, alone, and listened to the preachers sermon of "how great thou art, but ohhhhhhhhhhhh don't you piss him off," I wanted to scream. God is love. Pure love. How can God, the infallible, be jealous and full of rage? My beliefs and others differ, but I've opened up my mind to the belief that whether what I or others do or do not believe is the truth or not, it is the intention of Love behind the actions that matters. You have the choice to be jaded and cynical, just as you have the choice to be hopeful and love-full.
"Man made God in his own image. The eternal, the infinite, and unnameable was reduced into a mental idol that you had to believe in and worship as My God or Our God."

Old Spirituality vs. New Spirituality - In the old way the hierarchy, the church, tells you how to worship and how to behave outside of church. God and the path to follow him has already been set, you just have to follow the yellow brick road. This is the right way, and all other ways are wrong, is the teaching. The new spirituality is that you are your own best authority as you work to know and love yourself, you discover how to live a more spiritual life. You can listen and plow your own road to God. Many paths lead to spiritual meaning and peace, there is a rich array of gems from which to draw illumination. Those gems are teachings, sermons, world religions, world beliefs, healing, science, all experiences, and you use them all to "string a necklace all your own." (This was all loosely taken from the podcast)

Tolle doesn't want to change any ones mind or become their guru. The message is simply to strike a chord, and awaken something within you.

Ryan asked, "human history in the past years, especially in the last years, people have become more aware of 'Christ-consciousness.' Why do you think that is?" Tolle says that it is happening now because we are reaching a crisis point. Many things do not happen unless there is an absolute need for them to happen. In the past, this awakening was really a luxury. They tried to teach others, but were misinterpreted. Fallible man. We are awakening now, because if humanity is to make it to the next evolutionary level, we cannot allow the ego to become more and more destructive. If we do not step out of the egoic-consciousness, we will destroy ourselves and the planet. If you look at the history of the 20th century, you get a glimpse of what the non-evolutionary process, no major shift, does. There were 160-180million people in the 20th century were murdered by war, concentration camps, prison camps, starvation. If there is no shift, conflict will continue and eventually control.

This isn't just about being positive, but putting our own ego's in check. You are not your thought processes. Thought processes are conditioned through thousands of years of conditioning. This is how the ego arises. The dysfunction in the ego has created dysfunction in the world today. "Our individual fears, doubts, angers, jealousies, resentments, all contribute to the collective. In order to change the collective, each one of us has a responsibility to mine that within ourselves. That's how we're contributing to the collective." What ever you put out into the world, positive or negative, contributes to the energy field of the world.

The voice in the head is conditioned thinking. It is from teachings and experiences from birth. To recognize them as conditioned thought processes, then you become less identified by them and their restrictions. When these thoughts come up, don't tell them to go away, because it only gives it more power. Just be aware of the thoughts, but that it doesn't identify who you are. Guilt comes in when there hasn't been a decision made by You as to whether this is real or true. You are being led still, by conditioned thinking.

Do not ask what is my life's purpose, but what is life's purpose for me.

When people come together and enter the state of presence together, it generates an energy field, a different level of consciousness, in the present. Beware, however, to not become dependent on the group. Your responsibility is to be in the present at all times.

You don't become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness. The ego has many idea of who and what it wants to be, because it wants to have a better image of it self. "On that level, the essential dysfunction of the ego is still operating. This is why we have the phrase 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions.'" If your good behavior is still wrapped up in the ego, then it will be challenged and destroyed. You have to go beyond good and bad, and reach an unconditioned place within yourself. A formless consciousness. "Be still and know that I am God." The formless, or eternal, is where the soul resides. It is the untouched place that is, and forever will be, untouched, no matter what has or will happen to you. You can only do this by becoming Still. Not by going to sleep, but becoming more aware than ever. The way to begin to feel that, is to go out in nature. After a time, you begin to start to sense the stillness within nature. What you sense is also within you. It is a sacredness. There is no real definition of Sacred, because it is what you are.

There is a separation of ego within humans. There is an image of Me, and an image of You (I). This is the true self, and the ego. When we speak to ourselves, we says, "You shouldn't have said that." "You need..." "Why did You..." So, when one reaches a crisis point, for example suicide, they say, "I just can't live myself any more." There is the separation of the true self and the ego. The ego drives one to destruction, but recognizing the separation, the ego can be calmed and peace felt. True self = Stillness. You/I/Me - continuous suffering. Ego - the unobserved mind. Killing the Buddha is when the ego met, recognized, and dies because it cannot survive in true consciousness. The mind becomes Still.

You don't need years and years to undo the years and years of conditioning. It is done in the Now. Just find the point of power in the present moment. There are many things you can do to access the power of the presence. Ask yourself, "Am I still breathing?" to find out if you are still breathing, your attention moves from the ego to the body, and a focus is found. You become present in that moment. Even if it is just 5 seconds. Everyday motions like walking, washing hands, taking a cup out of a cupboard, do it consciously. Feel the water, smell the soap. Sense perceptions become acute and brings you into the moment. Feel the muscles, the motion of the body, there's a foot, feel every part of what it takes to get you to the top of the stairs. To the mind, that kind of thing is meaningless. However, this is how you bring in awareness. It is something fresh and new, and the more your old conditioning becomes eroded. Learning to do the simple things begin to retrain your mind. This is true meditation. Everything is a means to the end, so you never really get into the moment. You make a cup of coffee, but you really just want to drink it. Focus on the making of the coffee, then the drinking of it. Be present Now.

Power can only flow into your life until you are completely present Now.

In an ever changing world, a species either needs to adapt or die out. "Humanity is now faced with a stark choice: evolve or die." Consciousness does not stop to exist if humans are not here. We are forms that come out of consciousness. It is the evolutionary process. The unmanifested consciousness is God. God comes into manifested consciousness gradually. Through each human being, flowers, animals. So, even if the human species were to die out, the human consciousness would remain within the collective consciousness of the world. It is a transformation of form. There is a significant number of humans who are recognizing this fact, and their awakening is causing a shift within the world, and thus a great hope for the future of the species.

Be In the world, but not Of It.

The basis of life is the Present Moment. Find a place of acceptance. No matter where you are, come to terms and become friendly with the Present moment. The Present Moment is Life. What is my relationship with the Present Moment? Don't make the Present Moment you enemy, make peace with it in order to get yourself out of it. Example: Getting stuck in the mud. Accept what it is before you can begin to change it. Action then comes out of acceptance, not resistance, and a totally different energy begins to flow into what you do. It is empowered by life it self. WOW!

The more you make your thoughts and ideals into your identity, the more cut-off you become from the Spiritual within yourself. How Spiritual you are has nothing to do with what you believe, but everything to do with your state of consciousness. How spiritual you are means How Present you are. Stillness. What you believe in is not an important question, but are you present. People want to know what you believe in, in order to label you, so they can decide whether they can like you or accept you or not.

What I've Learned This Week.....

Since returning from my trip to W.TX, I've come to realize that I am hiding from who I really am. I scare myself sometimes with the way I think, the way I carry myself when I'm confident, the way I command attention. It's not something I'm used too. I've always been the wallflower, and happy to be so. There's a live from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil that I've always identified with, "It's better to be on the outside of a party, don't you think?" I'm a watcher, and observer. I don't talk much, partially out of watching and observing, but also, I'll admit, out of the lack of conversation skills. If I don't have anything to say, I want nothing more than to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. A friend of mine is always saying, "There's always something to talk about!" Nuh uh! LOL I'm also the keeper. I'm the one who keeps the secrets, keeps the people happy, keeps people safe. A servant, is what I was informed I was called, earlier this week. (that sentence looks strange....forgive me, I've been up all night) That is my choice. I choose to do and be everything that I am. I will acknowledge that, and so should everyone else. Life doesn't "just happen" to you. I need to work on my conversation skills, and that will come in time. For now, I can only do my best.

The other thing I've learned is that hiding from your true self only gets you into trouble. Facing who you are, and what you are, frees you. What else is there to say?

I've been challenged this past few weeks. Tested, if you will. People turn to me for guidance and wisdom, yet it is difficult to follow my own advice. There are things in life that test you. Some of which are small, others are enormous. I don't yet know the outcome, but what I do know is that with all the stress, pain and worry, I'm getting stronger in my faith. How bad can the test be then? Not that I'm challenging the universe or anything. LOL

I've had to finally accept the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I am in pain constantly and have terrible chronic fatigue syndrome. Several years ago, I slept for about 2 years. Literally. I'd had a terrible time with a friend, and ex-boss. The business I'd been working for was investigated federally. I'd moved to Houston where I had no friends or family. When I moved back to DFW, I tried for a long time to keep going. It was very difficult, because everyday I would have more and more pain. Worse and worse headaches. My jaws would lock, I'd get extra tired. Until finally, I gave in. For years I thought that because of what had happened with my life up to that point, I was so depressed, I needed hospitalization. Not that that ever happened....and Thank God(dess) for that!! When I accepted my Fibro state, it came clear to me. That time in my life, as horrible and dark as it was, had nothing to do with my mental state. I had entered an acute Fibromyalgia flare up. I did/don't have health insurance, so going to the doctor for treatments and medications is out. It seems, however, that with my acceptance of the disease/syndrome/whatever, I'm feeling better.

For years now, I've allowed the pain to define who I am. I lost myself in it. With accepting Fibro, it seems that I've accepted myself. I can deal with the pain now, and get back to being Me. I keep reminding myself of my favorite quote, "We are not humans having spiritual experiences, but spiritual beings having human ones (Wayne Dyer)." This is something that Spirit has chosen for me to experience, and so I accept it. Who am I to question spirit??

It's been a bad week, but I promise I'll get better...

Last week, as you've read, I was in Seagraves at my Granny's. It was an okay visit. Mom and I spent the entire week together, and got along wonderfully. We laughed a lot. She got on my nerves once, on the way home, when she decided I needed a backseat driver.

I spend all of Thursday getting a pedicure, buying groceries for the boys for the week, having the oil changed, buying a few t-shirts, flip flops and a pair of shorts. Basically, getting ready for the trip. That night I did my laundry and packed. I didn't go to bed until 2am. Friday morning I woke up at 9 am, and left the house for Mom's in Fort Worth by 930am. She insisted I be at her house at that time. So, I get there, and she procrastinates for an hour. When we finally left her house, we stopped at the bank for Jackson Hewitt, then backtracked to Mansfield to go to Mom's bank. Someone had stolen her credit card number somehow, and was taking all her money. Luckily the bank caught it. After that, she wanted to go to Payless. The woman bought 3 pairs of shoes for herself, one pair of shoes and little purselet for me, then went to Ross and bought herself a purse. We were supposed to have lunch with Sandra at her Quiznos store in Weatherford, but Mom got dizzy, so we went to Cracker Barrel on the way out of town. By the time we left Arlington, it was already 130pm. LOL So, I pull into Sonic, get a Large Cranberry Iced Tea, and headed out of town.

We had decided not to stop at Sandra's, but changed our minds. When we got there, Sandra had her grandson with her. Conner is about 2 years old, and hilarious! He throws his voice like Pee Wee Herman. lol Anyway, we spend the next hour or so laughing at him. Sandra and Stewart were nice enough to give us sammies and chips for the road/dinner later on that night. Mom and I finally left Weatherford around 5pm....so I guess we stayed longer than an hour. LOL We made it to Tye, which is about half way between Arlington and Seagraves. Mom got hungry, and we were tired of driving so we went to the truck stop cafe. Mom got a Steak and I got a horrible french dip sandwich. We stayed there about an hour or so. It was just us, so we were taking our time, instead of racing the clock. After we left there, we made it to Sweetwater - an hour from Tye MAYBE. We then decided to get a hotel room and crash. This was FINE with me, because my pain was horrible by this time. When it gets that bad it's really hard to hide it. lol The room was comfortable enough, but when I tried to go to sleep, it felt like I had a huge knot on my left hamstring and I was teetering on it. Drove me nuts! Mom wanted to get some sleep, but we ended up staying up until 3, because she wanted me to read her cards. LOL She was freaking out over how accurate they were coming out. They were telling me stuff that I didn't know about my Mom, that's what freaked her out.

The next day we left Tye around noon, and was driving to Hobbs NM to stay the night and go to the casino before we headed to Granny's. On the way, we stopped in Seminole so I could see my Dad. He was acting strange. I still can't figure that one out. I was supposed to go see my grandmother in Hobbs, but we lost our money at the casino and decided to head on to Seagraves instead. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to make it back to Hobbs.

On Saturday, before we got to Hobbs, I'd received a ton of calls wondering about Brenda. Where was she? How is she? Is she okay? So, I called around, and eventually found her. Her phone was shut off for a few days....it is now on, THANK GAWD. After relaying the messages to her, she tells me about a particular incident that is ongoing with a person that I've been trying to tell her to stay away from. Finally she gets it!

Anyway, the rest of the week is a blur. Granny and Papa aren't doing well at all. Neither are Ma and Pa. Ma asked the same 3 questions 4 times each in a 30 minute period. Pa sang us 2 songs about dying. Papa has to wear a bib because he shakes and drools all over himself, and Granny is just a mess too. Granny and Papa begged me to stay. I just can't live there! I'm willing to care for them, but it has to be on my own terms...in MY town. There is Nothing in Seminole/Seagraves for a young person...or an old person for that matter! There are no jobs, very few people to be friends with, no entertainment, no decent grocery stores, crappy friggin doctors, the list goes on and on.... I promised Granny years ago I wouldn't let them put her in a nursing home, but I cannot live in Seagraves! It's not like Heath won't need me anymore after he graduates High School. Besides, this is where MY friends, MY family, MY home is. I sound selfish, I realize, but damn!

I finally got my pain under control just before we had to come home, so I was sure that it would be bad once I got home. Not so! Thank you God(dess)!!! I've been on edge since I got home. I freak when i cant find my cell phone. We're all just sitting around, waiting to get a phone call that one or two...or all...of them are gone. It's a sad way to live, but it was just that bad. I can't help but feel guilty, but I also can't take care of everyone either. Brenda got in my face last night, trying to make me understand that I'm not being petty and selfish about all this. It just still feels that way though. I'm trying really hard to live in the NOW, but with this situation, it's really really hard.

I promise I'll cheer up. LOL

I'm a petty person, but I'm human

I feel like I'm being totally childish, and completely petty. It's a feeling I want to shake, but it's too hard. For the past 15 years, my Mom and I have been dropping everything and running to Seagraves anytime my grandparents need us. They call, we run. I promised my Granny when I was about 5 years old I would always be there for her if she ever needed me. I'd always take care of her. I've stuck to that promise, because she and Papa have done so much for me. Here's where the pettiness comes in: My Papa's daughters haven't lifted a finger to help. One of them has had breast cancer, but not for 20 years - which is how long she's been away. The other one only comes around when she wants something, and last week informed my mother and me that she wishes her dad would just die. Her words were, "Being the horrible person that I am, I wish he would just give it up and die." I said, "I understand Dana, you want him to be able to die with some dignity." She says, "No, it's just his time, he needs to just die." WTF?!?!?!?! Papa has loaned her and her various husbands tons of money, and he's loaned my Mom money twice. Both times Mom paid him back in full plus interest. Dana and Paula do NOTHING. The last time Paula came to see him, other than last summer for a couple of hours, was in 1983!!! I try to tell myself that there are some issues there, plus come on! These women are 50/60 respectively. Get over it!! Papa is 94 years old, he's not going to be around much longer! So, last summer when Paula was there, he wrote her and Dana checks. Why? Their inheritance. He and Granny hadn't been paying the house insurance, but instead, putting the money in a checking account seperate from the other. He split that money between his daughters. apporx. $162k. I have no right to feel this way, but I'm hurt, in shock, and angry as hell. It's not my money, and I don't really even WANT money. It's the priniciple. He refuses to call them when he's sick. He cries when Mom or myself leaves, and barely looks their way when they leave. He begs Mom and me to stay. But, Dana and Paula, the lazy cows, do nothing and get rewarded. I am sooooo petty! Everyone keeps telling me I'm justified, but I feel horrible feeling this way. May it IS the money. Maybe I'm an awful person who feels entitled. I hope that's not true. I just keep thinking of my Mom and how she needs her bottom teeth fixed desperately, her car is old and needs a new transmission, she lives in a crappy rent house, Heath needs college money, I haven't had a car in 4 years, I need surgery worse than ever - and there Dana and Paula sit with $80k each, married to wealthy men, and want for nothing. They do nothing, and get rewarded. I'm childish, petty, judgemental, and pathetic, but It's not fair. My mother deserves better than that. I deserve better than that. They deserve next to nothing for their "efforts."

I can move my neck!

Yay! For the first time in 4 days, I can move my neck! Woo Hoo!!! LOL It made driving this morning easier. hehe

I'm gathering my things for my trip later this week. My Mom and I are going to Seagraves, in W.TX to visit my all 8 of my grandparents. That's right 8. lol All my grandparents are divorced and remarried. I'm looking forward to the trip. We are going down to deal with some stressful things involving the elderly, if you catch my drift. BUT, Mom and I will be going alone. No boys, no dogs, nothing. The only thing that would make it better is if Kohni were coming along, but she's got school. We're going to be gone about a week. I have 6 concerns about this trip. #1 Heath getting himself out the door to school. I was woke up this morning to him afraid I would kill him because he didn't get to school on his own - I had to take him. #2 Heath loosing his house key, and not being able to get in until Mike gets home from work. Even at that, Mike works late a lot, so he's going to be screwed. I'll give one to Brenda, so she can come let him in if she has too. #3 the guys won't cook while I'm gone, so they'll spend all my bill money on eating out. Of course, we're leaving on a Friday, so I'll just pay the bills on Thursday, and take some out for my trip. LOL Taco Bell stock will go up next week, just you watch. #4 The boys fight all the time. Scott is 23, almost 24, and Heath is 16. They argue over the most retarded crap. #5 Monster is my baby. Normally I would take him with me, but Mom and I have plans, that cannot involve a dog. I'm afraid the boys will get too rough with him, and kill him. Monster is an asshole. He screams, he whines, he growls, he weighs 2 1/2lbs!! He's got a major Napoleon complex. Scott and Monster usually do really well when I'm not home. So, maybe I'm just being paranoid. #6 The boys are really bad about not feeding Monster and Scully. They get plenty of food and water when I'm home, but I'm constantly having to yell at the boys to fill their water bowl, or give Scully some dog food. They get table scraps, and Mike is always feeding Scully. It's not really that big a problem. I am just paranoid, huh? They have to learn to get along without Mama Tasha though. I can't always be there to hold their hands.

I'm hoping I'll get a chance to read A New Earth. I've had the book for a month, I think. I've read maybe 20 pages of it, and it is wonderful! I've just not had the opportunity to give it proper attention, which is what I want to do. Maybe I'll just read it anyway, and reread it later. lol

Okay, medicine time, which means nap time. hehe

Being sick makes you think too deeply

First of all, I realize they are all sociopaths, so lets just make that clear. This weekend, I've been stuck in bed with this illness, whatever it is. There is, of course, nothing on TV. One could have a million channels, and there still wouldn't be anything on. Unless I want to watch UFO stuff, nazi stuff, or house flipping, there is nothing on. I tried to read, but my eyes have been burning, so that didn't work too well. I think after my cheek became sore from wiping the constant tear streaming from my right eye, I finally gave up trying to read. LOL A&E was the only channel today with anything of interest. So, in the last 48 hours, I've watch The Godfather pt. 2 twice. It's an excellent movie, so I'm not really complaining. After it was over tonight, The Sopranos came on. Now, I've always accepted mob films for what they are.....Mob Films. Nothing more. They are not romantic figures that one should strive be like. They are no Michael Jordan. You may wanna be like Mike, but lets hope you don't mean Mike Corleone. I've loved the Godfather films for as long as I can remember. I knew what "go to the matresses" and "sleeps with the fishes" meant when I was 5 years old. The culture of mob films has always been one that interested me. Not because I wanted to be a part of it, but because the mafia mind fascinates me. How does an entire group of sociopaths find one another, choose a veritable Emperor, and more or less run their own Roman type empire? I remember when I was a kid, and I wrecked my Grandmother's car. I felt such horrible guilt over it, I couldn't keep up my lie for more than 6 hours. That said, how can Paulie Walnuts not feel guilt over killing someone? I've always had a bit of fascination for the criminal mind. It's not something that I can explain, I just want to understand it. Abnormal psychology, I think is what it's called.

Looking at Tony Soprano as a man, and not a sociopath, caused me to question his maturity tonight. He needed to prove to his crew that he was still in charge, was not weak, and demanded their respect. What does he do? He picks the biggest, most muscular, hot headed, kid who respected him the most, and beat the crap out of him. He turned his ring around, and beat the crap out of him. To show his status as alpha male. I rolled my eyes, and changed the channel.

When I was watching The Godfather 2, Frank Pentangeli slits his wrists in the bathtub. It was a matter of honor. I don't know what is so honorable about killing yourself, but whatever. Now, my question is, although these people are mobsters, they are still catholic, and hold true to their faith. They commit every sin there is, but they hold true to their religion. However, when Pentangeli suggests to Tom Hagen that he slit his wrists in order to ensure his family be taken care of, is he not afraid of hell? It is a major theme in Catholicism that if one commits suicide, they go to hell. I realize that these men do not fear death, or the consequences of their actions. They are, as I said, sociopaths. But, a mans religion generally trumps everything else. I read the Godfather book a million years ago when Bill Savage and I used to hang out at the library after school. I can't remember if anything like that happened in the book, and what Mario Puzo wrote about it. Probably nothing, because I'm nit picking. lol

I get on the computer with the intention of catching up on my Beyond Reality Radio shows, but always end up listening to Martini in the Morning. It's the best radio station ever. I remember living in Seminole, and on Friday and Saturday nights, on AM radio, you could pick up a radio station that played this kid of music. Sinatra, Martin, Fitzgerald, Clooney, Krall, Buble, Connick, Monheit, etc.... there's nothing better! Of course, that station faded in and out constantly. It annoyed me, but I loved it. When I found this station, I almost peed my pants in excitement. HAHA www.martiniinthemorning.com

I have found myself thinking back to the days that my life was more simple. I'm not going to start a long blog like David Copperfield, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...." BLECH! Nope, I'm just thinking about how things used to be. Suddenly I realize that life is always complicated. There was never a time when it was simple. Not really. What prompted this thought? I was listening to NPR, when suddenly it shuts off, and Melody Gardot's song "Sweet Memory" came on. I thought, "What the frig?!" Then the thoughts came. When I was little, we lived in NM. At first we were in town, on the Carlsbad highway. I remember the small trailer house we lived in. We lived on the corner to the entrance of the trailer park, just off the highway. Across the highway was one of the bowling alley's and the Moose Lodge that my Great Uncle Jim belonged too. Next door to us was Gus and Byra Backus. My "godparents." He was part of the group The Del Vikings back in the 50s. They did the song "Come Go With Me." It's funny how alcohol and wars can take you from stardom, to living in a trailer park in South Eastern New Mexico. Gus and Byra were so much fun. Byra and I had our differences, but we were both strong willed creatures. lol When we moved to Seminole, TX, Gus and Byra were contacted by an entertainment company in Germany. Now, what I've failed to mention here, is that when Gus was in the war, he was sent to Germany. While there, he married, and started a huge singing and acting career. I never knew just how big he really was until I ran across some videos of him on Youtube, and other websites. Gus was voted the one star of yesterday that people wanted to bring back - in Germany. So, they found him NM. He and Byra moved to Germany most of the year, did appearances, traveled, did tours, etc... The rest of the year came back to the US and lived in a travel trailer to be near their kids. I remember sitting in his lap, at his piano, and him wildly playing whatever song came to mind, singing, and thrashing me around. I loved him to much. He was my favorite playmate. LOL Gus has always been bigger than life. When I found the sites about him on the internet, I had one of them translated. It said Byra had died of complications of diabetes. She'd had it as long as I can remember. Gus is remarried to his first love now. I hope he's happy. We all miss them.

Isn't it funny how a song triggers memories? It doesn't mean that it has a lot of meaning to you though. I know people who claim that almost every song known to man has some sort of special meaning to them. It almost negates the meaning of the song it self, or even what it means to *you/me.* On the other hand, it is a great gift that someone has given others that can carry such meaning. Maybe I'm just petty. LOL The choice of songs that people make to have significant meaning to them is fascinating as well. It doesn't have to be some dramatic, earth shattering, epic song. Personally, the Oak Ridge Boys song "Elvira" has way more meaning to me than Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." My mother used to sing "Elvira" to me and do the really deep bass parts. It was hilarious! I don't want to hear you heart go on and on and on and on and on....... However, when someone says to me, "When you meet someone that is your soul mate, you will understand the song more." WTF?! I understand the song fine! Even if I were to meet my soulmate, I don't think that my choice in annoying songs would change. We change when we meet people, but not THAT drastically! LOL Maybe I'm naieve. Or Maybe I'm right.

Speaking of music.....
Right now, I have two favorite songs: "Wasted" and "So Small" by Carried Underwood. "Wasted" is plain and straight forward. Let's take a look at it.....


Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whisky but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Yeah, yeah
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

What more is there to say? I just know when I first heard this song, and really listened to it, I decided that no matter what my pain is like, I cannot let time be wasted any longer. This HAS meaning to me. Not every song on the radio. LOL

"So Small" talks about something I'm always having to remind people about. It is about how I try to live my life. Although, I can/do fall prey to the occasional panic or stressfilled outburst, I try to live with the knowledge that in the greater scheme of things, *it's* just not that big.

Yeah, Yeah

[Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Yeah, Yeah

A lesson we should all learn....

Enh

Today is a blah day. Yesterday I woke up to my left side, from my collar bone down to my knee, killing me. I had to pick up my Boob to BREATHE! It was so irritating! Today i can breathe without the assistance of a crane, but I have knots all down the left side of my neck and shoulder. Oh well, who doesn't have problems, eh?

Last night I was about to log onto AIM when my phone rings, and it's my Granny. She talked for 3 hours, and 45 minutes! At the end of the conversation she says, "Good Gawd Tasha! You've kept me on the phone almost 4 hours!" *I* kept her on the phone?? WTF? LOL Crazy ole thing!

I'm wishing I had Friday Night Lights TV on DVD. I'd love to sit in my room tonight and watch Tim Riggins drink himself into a stupor, Seracen miss Carlotta, Julie piss and moan incessantly, and Coach and Tami crack me up. One dynamic I wish they would have explored a little more was Riggins living with Coach and his family. Between the tornado, the ping pong ball situation, and the girls staring at Tim without a shirt, it was really funny/interesting.

I'm in love with Sonic. The fast food joint, not the hedgehog. LOL I LOVE to go there between 2 and 4pm. They have 1/2 price drinks and slushes. Large Coke with extra Ice. MMMMMMM
I know a lot of people who don't want ice in their drinks at all. I used to be that way. But, after I turned 27, I suddenly find myself hot. Not H.O.T., but hot. Burning up, hot. My internal thermostat is broke. lol



I'm gonna go find something to watch....probably LOTR.

Tootles Poddle!

It was a Stormy night in North Central Texas

She sat in front of her computer working on her blog, listening to the wind and wondering how much she would get out of the renters insurance if the house blew to Oz. Do they even have a Farmers Insurance in Oz? Making sure she knew where her shoes were, and trying to calculate the time it would take to make it to Heath's room, wake him up, and hide in the event of a tornado, the lights went out. She thought back to the summer she spent 4 days without electricity, and constant rain. At the time, it seemed like a bit of hell, but in truth it was kind of fun. Not that she'd want to do that again. At least she knew they would make it. Besides, the boys have spent years contemplating what they would do, how they would survive if Zombies attacked. A few days without electricity would be nothing compared to that - they were prepared!

the fanny part of the electricity going out, was what happened when it came back on. The TV makes a loud popping noise, there's a flash of light blazing across the screen, and what do you hear? Spike from South Park saying, "Donkey Raping Shit Eater!" WOW!!! As vulgar as it was, it was just as funny.

Squall. What is a squall? A squall is a sudden, sharp increase in wind speed which usually is associated with active weather, such as rain showers, thunderstorms, or heavy snow. Squalls refer to an increase in the sustained winds over a short time interval, as there may be higher gusts during a squall event. It also says that it is the action of making high pitched, whiney noises. So, it is reasonable to say that females in Anime's are typified by their squall. HAHA! I love words. This is on my top list.

What is the deal with Law and Order? I'll admit I'm totally into L&O, especially SVU. I like Mariska Hargitay. She's a great actress, and seems like one of the few actresses who is normal. Which probably means she's a raving lunatic! HAHA I like the guy that plays her partner Elliot, as well. Ice Tea, Ice Cube, Ice Tray...whatever his name is, isn't a bad actor either! I've always like the guys that play the chief and Munch. They're both great character actors. Munch is definitely a character! L&O is on almost every channel. It's ridiculous. What's worse though, is CSI. I used to LOVE the Las Vegas one, but I'm totally into Miami. The New York show thrilled me, because I love Gary Sinise and Melina Kinakaredes (I probably just mutilated the spelling of her name LOL). I can't get into NY!! I think I've watched 2 episodes, but only because they involved the Miami show. LOL I'm totally into Horatio. He's not hot or anything, I just think he's kewl. I like his shades. A&E has this whole ad thing with "Horatio and his Shades." It cracked me up the first time I saw it, because my favorite part of a CSI Miami is the begining with Horatio and his shades. LOL

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a paranormal freak. Ghost Hunters, on Sci-fi, is my favorite team. I like how they believe in ghosts, but go into a suspected haunting case to debunk it. They try to prove or disprove a haunting based on science. What I really like about them is that they use the word "Paranormal" in the way that it is meant. Paranormal does not mean ghost. What it means is that it is not of the obvious norm. Para Normal, Super Natural. These are things that we jsut don't know about YET. Look at it this way: If you were to go back into time, and take an ipod with you. A person of that era might look at you like you were a witch, because you were able to produce music or a video in your hand. What's supernatural or paranormal about that? I mean other than the whole time travel thing. LOL Nothing! It is just a technology, or knowledge, that man of that century has yet to obtain. Do I believe in ghosts, demons, angels, fairies, leprechans, all things mystical? Sure I do! I also believe in Aliens. Maybe I'm completely bonkers. Maybe I'm not. What matters though, is that I have an open mind. I'm not going to look at a fire fly in a photograph and automatically assume that it is a fairy captured on film. Nor am I going to see a friggin' orb in a photo and assume that it is a ghost! Most of all though, my beliefs and the wonky construct of my mind, allows me the freedom to openly admit that I believe, and so, not to run screaming like a little girl when something Para or Super happens. Not every haunting is a haunting. Not every haunting ISN'T a haunting either.

First Entry

Why did I create this blog?? Well, to be honest. I have no idea. I'm not exactly good at keeping my Myspace blog up to date. I think I'll just pretend to be mysterious, and use the Myspace site as my Public persona, and use this one as my private, more intimate blog. People want to know EVERYTHING about me, I know. hehe Seriously, I'm surprised that People magazine hasn't written an article about the most interesting person in the World Wide Web! I'm so full of shit, huh??

I'll warn you now, I tend to get off on tangents about things, and that includes my likes and dislikes. They are things that become personal to me. Some find this aspect of my weirdness bothersome. HAHA Wankers!

I'm trying this new, improved, more positive attitude of gratitude thing. It's working out wonderfully! Although things are still not the greatest right now, they are looking up. I'm also noticing that either people are becoming more and more insane, or I'm just not oblivious to that fact. LOL Either way, it's comical and frustrating at the same time.

I will bounce from topic to topic. Mostly, whatever I'm into in that moment. LOL I'm a Pop Culture Whore, a slave to it really. World of Warcraft and Lord of the Rings Online are past-times. People say I need a hobby like wood working or crafting instead of MMORPG's. I get to create magical objects, kill monsters, collect trinkets, save the world, why would I want to knit a dog shirt that Monster won't wear??? Besides, this hobby costs me $15/mo., and crafting is way more expensive! See what I mean?? Tangent!!