What I've Learned This Week.....

Since returning from my trip to W.TX, I've come to realize that I am hiding from who I really am. I scare myself sometimes with the way I think, the way I carry myself when I'm confident, the way I command attention. It's not something I'm used too. I've always been the wallflower, and happy to be so. There's a live from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil that I've always identified with, "It's better to be on the outside of a party, don't you think?" I'm a watcher, and observer. I don't talk much, partially out of watching and observing, but also, I'll admit, out of the lack of conversation skills. If I don't have anything to say, I want nothing more than to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. A friend of mine is always saying, "There's always something to talk about!" Nuh uh! LOL I'm also the keeper. I'm the one who keeps the secrets, keeps the people happy, keeps people safe. A servant, is what I was informed I was called, earlier this week. (that sentence looks strange....forgive me, I've been up all night) That is my choice. I choose to do and be everything that I am. I will acknowledge that, and so should everyone else. Life doesn't "just happen" to you. I need to work on my conversation skills, and that will come in time. For now, I can only do my best.

The other thing I've learned is that hiding from your true self only gets you into trouble. Facing who you are, and what you are, frees you. What else is there to say?

I've been challenged this past few weeks. Tested, if you will. People turn to me for guidance and wisdom, yet it is difficult to follow my own advice. There are things in life that test you. Some of which are small, others are enormous. I don't yet know the outcome, but what I do know is that with all the stress, pain and worry, I'm getting stronger in my faith. How bad can the test be then? Not that I'm challenging the universe or anything. LOL

I've had to finally accept the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I am in pain constantly and have terrible chronic fatigue syndrome. Several years ago, I slept for about 2 years. Literally. I'd had a terrible time with a friend, and ex-boss. The business I'd been working for was investigated federally. I'd moved to Houston where I had no friends or family. When I moved back to DFW, I tried for a long time to keep going. It was very difficult, because everyday I would have more and more pain. Worse and worse headaches. My jaws would lock, I'd get extra tired. Until finally, I gave in. For years I thought that because of what had happened with my life up to that point, I was so depressed, I needed hospitalization. Not that that ever happened....and Thank God(dess) for that!! When I accepted my Fibro state, it came clear to me. That time in my life, as horrible and dark as it was, had nothing to do with my mental state. I had entered an acute Fibromyalgia flare up. I did/don't have health insurance, so going to the doctor for treatments and medications is out. It seems, however, that with my acceptance of the disease/syndrome/whatever, I'm feeling better.

For years now, I've allowed the pain to define who I am. I lost myself in it. With accepting Fibro, it seems that I've accepted myself. I can deal with the pain now, and get back to being Me. I keep reminding myself of my favorite quote, "We are not humans having spiritual experiences, but spiritual beings having human ones (Wayne Dyer)." This is something that Spirit has chosen for me to experience, and so I accept it. Who am I to question spirit??