Menopause, Swine Flu, and a sense of humor

Well, things seem to be going to hell in a handbasket. LOL I find it all a bit funny, actually. Which may sound a bit......macabre.....I don't care. It IS funny!
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Mom started "bleeding" on July 22, 2009, and just kept on and on. She's 51, and has started menopause. Honestly, I'm a bit jealous that she will no longer have to deal with sanitary napkins and all the messiness associated anymore! lol Anyway, the thing is, she didn't stop bleeding. She was taken to the doctor several times, and the docs all sent her home saying that this is what happens. Two weeks ago, however, she was walking from one room to another and became out of breath, and her heart felt as though it was pounding out of her chest. The ambulance came and took her to Mansfield Methodist Hospital. The doctors there said she was severely anemic, and they needed to get the bleeding to stop and give her a blood transfusion. She was 2-3 units low on blood, but they had to put off the transfusions 24 hours. Her blood has the RH antibody in it, and it's a rare type. Needless to say, they had to send out to Dallas to get it. She's been put on birth control pills for the hormones and is being given iron supplements to help build her system back up. She was in the hospital for 3 nights. I stayed with her two nights, and Kohni stayed with her one. When she was taken in that Thursday night, Kohni called and said they were trying to get in touch with me. That way I could go to the hospital and take care of business, being that I'm her next of kin. On Saturday, they had already given her the transfusions, and were talking about sending her home. We had lunch with my Dad who gave Kohni and birthday money. The following Monday I an interview with the City of Arlington, and needed some new slacks, so afterwards Brenda and I went clothes shopping. Which really accomplishes nothing for me other than making me tired and my legs hurt. LOL We had decided to go eat dinner that evening when Mom called me. She said that they were keeping her another night and had come to get more blood for a cancer test. She wanted me to go stay with her another night. Which I did happily! Sunday they finally let her go home. I have been going back and forth from my house to hers the past week and a half. I'm so exhausted! She's doing a little better. The medicines are making her sick, and flaring up her ulcer. We've gone to doctors appointments and financial appointments with JPS health systems. If she qualifies, they will do her hysterectomy for free. She has no job, and no source of income as of right now because of this health problem. The financial officers seemed to think she would have no problems getting in right away. The OB/gyn she saw has a surgical opening on October 8 that he would like to give her. Otherwise she will have to wait a few more weeks to get this taken care of. In the past 2 weeks, 8 doctors have seen her and all of them say it is imperative that she get the hysterectomy. This past week, she had an appointment on Monday, one on Tuesday, and one on Thursday (which I should be in bed resting so I can get up at 6am!). I thought I was going to get to go home on Thursday or Friday.....then shit happened....

On Tuesday night Heath started hacking and coughing, his eyes were watering and bloodshot. He woke up this morning and felt like crap. We took him to the doctor, because the flu scare is major in North Texas right now. He's got SWINE FLU! He has the mild strain, so they aren't real concerned right now, but gave us a stern warning that we should basically quarantine ourselves and not get around other people. They gave him meds, and told us that if we start feeling like hell that we needed to get in to see them ASAP. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! I can't go home, because neither Brenda or Scott need to be around me right now. Scott has severe asthma and this swine fly would play hell with him. Brenda's immune system is crapola anyways! She seems to get sick at the drop of a hat. When i called and told them I wouldn't be coming home and why, Scott starts yelling at me that I would kill him if I got around him, and Brenda informs me that I WILL catch swine from Heath. Such positive, uplifting roommates I've got, huh?! All I could do is laugh.

So, basically, the reason I'm finding all of this funny is because last night I had a bitching session with God. I listed all the terrible things that have happened in my life over the past year, and how I've been actively changing things that I felt he/she was telling me to change. I've been doing everything they've asked, but it seems like everything just keeps snowballing. I'm teased with wonderful things like the job with the Arlington Police Department that I've been chasing for 2 years now. Then, he/she laughs and says, "You've been punked!!!" Yesterday, I found out that I wouldn't have the money to pay all of our bills this month, and I freaked. I was like, "WTF?!" So, I had a bit of a breakdown and bitch session with God/dess. I ended my nervous breakdown with, "What the hell else are you going to throw at me?!?!?!?!" I got my answer. Heath gets swine flu and I get to not only take care of Mom, who is a freakin handful, but of him as well. I love them both and gladly do this, I just miss my bed, my apartment, my fan, my computer, my TV. These people go to bed with the chickens, and the only TV with cable is in the livingroom. They sleep with their door open, so you can't watch TV, because it will wake 'em up! GRRR!!!! So frustrating! I have to stay here until Tuesday at least. It's only Thursday. Laughter. Laughter is all thats keeping me sane.....or do crazy people laugh uncontrolably for no reason?

What a Summer!

As my last post said, i moved to seagraves to care for my Granny. Everyone has always said we are twin souls. Oh how true is that! When we arrived, Mom thought it would be a quick trip for her and Kohni. She had to take care of putting Papa in the nursing home. Where were His daughters?? Nowhere, of course! It was such an ordeal! You wouldn't believe all the papers that had to be filled out and signed. Mom, Kohni and I filled them all out for Granny, but she had to sign them. It took us 3 days to fill them out. Seriously! Of course we'd only work on them an hour or so at a time, but still. It took Mom and Kohni 2 hours to get through the signing with Granny. I think they counted 25 places Granny had to sign or initial. Mostly sign. Anyway, We got him settled in at the nursing home in Seminole (18 miles from Seagraves). Granny wasn't able to go see him at the hospital or the nursing home, because she was sick. She'd had a horrible cough for a week or so. They didn't want her up there, because of possibly being contagious. It was a combination of allergies and asthma. Anyway, Mom and Kohni went home on a Sunday I believe. The following week I spent a lot of time with Granny by myself. I wasn't feeling to hot (that time of the month), and my back started hurting, so I stayed in my room the bettter part of 2 days. That's my one regret. I was determined to put some weight back on her, and feed her healthy, nutritious meals. She'd been dropping hints that she wanted bread pudding all week. On the afternoon of the 5th, I backed a bunch of peanut butter cookies for Papa, made bread pudding for Granny, steamed veggies, baked sweet potatos, and grilled. I took Granny a cookie, but she asleep. She'd complained earlier that day that she didn't sleep much the night before. She said she was tossing and turning all night, and having a conversation with me in her sleep. I wish i knew what we were conversing about though. Anyway, I let her sleep. About an hour or two later I took her a plate of food. I tried to wake her up, because she hadn't eaten all day. She wouldn't wake up. I touched her leg, gently. It was cold and hard. That wasn't unusual, however. I knew though. She was gone. I tried to wake her up over and over. Calling her name, shaking her arm, checked her pulse. Nothing. Then a strange thing happened. I put my hand on her chest. Just below her breasts, not on her stomach. I said, "Granny!" and at that moment I got a sudden surge of electricity shoot from the palm of my hand all over my body. I started shaking. I'm sure part of it was shock, but not all of it. I can't explain it. Anyway, I went to the kitchen to call 911, but my fingers had a mind of their own. I called my Uncle instead. He wasn't there, but Aunt Judy was. She said David was gone, and before she could tell me where he went, I said, "I can't wake Granny up." When we hung up, I called 911, and gave them the address, which I had to go outside and look at the side of the house and the street signs to remember. LOL They've lived in this house my whole life, but use a PO Box, so I've never had an occasion to know the physical addy! Judy said they called 911 as well, but had to look up the addy in the phone book. lol I went back to Granny's room and just stared at her. I knew she was gone. The doorbell rang, and it was the sherriff who had befriended Granny and Papa a couple of years ago. He came in and checked her pulse. He was getting choked up when he said he couldn't feel anything. I just stood there. That electricity was still moving throughout my body, and the shock was setting in. Judy arrived when the EMT's did. They went to Granny's room and tried to revive her. David had come in by then and went straight back. He came in the dining room where Judy and myself had been waiting, out of the way. He said she was gone. Which, as I said, I already knew. He called my Mom, instead of letting me do it, which was the plan. We had a plan. I was to call Mom's friend, and he would tell her. David then left and got Dennis, my other uncle who had come down for my Pa's funeral. Mom, David, and Dennis lost their Mom and Dad 1 day shy of a month apart. What they are feeling right now, I have an idea of, but then again, I don't. My Granny meant everything to me. As long as she was there (here), everything was alright. She was my rock. I was her rock. No one ever understood either of us, really. Except each other. We were best friends. I feel like half of me is missing, but she would crawl out of that coffin and strangle me if I didn't stand up straight and push ahead. So, that's what I'm doing. There has been someone here with me since that night. My cousin Erin stayed with me the night she died. She wasn't my sister, who I really wanted to be here (and tried her damndest to get here asap), but Erin was a very very close second. She helped me find Granny's emerald green dress, her wig (that she'd been washing and fixing for 20 just for this occasion - she's been sick a very long time), make arrangements, clean, and just talked to me and made me laugh. That was the most important thing...making me laugh. I bought her a necklace as gratitude, but to me it wasn't enough. So, it seems that every other week something has happened. Of course, Ma, my step-grandmother (to me, there is no "step") moved to Houston with her daughter yesterday. That was HARD. None of us wanted her to go, and she didn't want to go, but Betty Grace is her daughter and needs to take care of her. It feels like I'm loosing my grandparents left and right. I still have my Dad's side. I'm so glad...no, thankful....that Ma Janie and I (my Dad's Mom) made ammends. Granny told me 2 years ago that I had to do it, because "You will need her when i'm gone." Boy, is that an understatement.

I dreamed of Granny's dad. He said, "Here girl! You're an Easly, straighten that back up!"

I'm standing straight and tall (as tall as a shorty can lol), and I'm looking ahead.

I miss her though.

The Things that Unconditional Love Makes Us Do

My Pa passed away. I cannot put into words just how much that freakin' sucks. That was 2 weeks ago. We left the day after he died, for Seagraves. The following Saturday we returned to Arlington. I had to talk to my stepdad about inheritance issues. That was strange to do. In the process, however, he informs me that we can't keep living here due to his injuries and lack of income due to said injuries. Granny and Papa had asked me several times about staying with them, which I didn't really want to do. However, when it came time to leave, I was distraught. So, Mike asked if I could take Heath and go live with my Granny to care for her and everyone else. The following Monday, I took Mike to Dallas for shoulder surgery. It was a mess! The doctor wasn't sure he'd be able to fix it, but he did the best he could. Although the surgery injury hurts, Mike said the constant pain it had been in is gone. So, that's good, I s'pose. Tuesday Mom called to check on Granny. She said she was fine, but that Papa had gone to bathe but wouldn't get out of the tub. Mom was worried, but granny said he was just having a moment and to let it lie. Wednesday Mom called, due to a gut feeling, and Granny informs her that Papa was STILL in the tub. Mom called Aunt Judy, but she was in Monahans. She then called Papa's oldest daughter Dana, but she was in Cisco. Judy called Uncle David at the high school where he teaches, and he went to check on him. Judy said that prior to her leaving she'd gone to granny's to take the mail, and she didn't see Papa (this was tuesday). She figured he'd gone to the bathroom, so she just left the mail on the counter. The next morning she by again, to drop the mail off, and everything was just as she'd left it the day before. This worried her. Like I said, it's been 2 weeks since Pa died, so David and Judy are still in shock. Judy didn't know what to think, so she walked to the back, and found Granny in her room watching TV. She told her that Papa was in the bathtub, and would she mind checking on him. Judy knocked on the door, and he mumbled something to her. She figured he was fine. At this point is when Mom called Judy, and they put two and two together. He'd been in the bathtub for 48 hours!! Granny tried to coax him out, but he refused. He said he was happy where he was, it was cool, comfortable, and he was fine. Granny took him a towel to sit on, brought him a blanket and pillow, and left him. She would occasionally go in there to try to get him out, but he'd run her out. So, after Mom and Judy make their discovery, Judy then called David and he went over there. He asked Papa if he was okay, and Papa asked him to help him get out of the bathtub. David said he was shaking, had sores all over him, he was sick, coherent at first but didn't make sense after he got out of the tub, and he was bleeding somewhere and if got on David's clothes. He put him in bed, and told him he'd be back when he got off of work (was only a couple of hours), and he would then be taking him to the hospital. Well, the hospital kept him, and Papa agreed to go into a nursing home. So, at this point, Granny is sitting in that big house alone. She can't be alone, because there are times when she hurts so bad she can't go to the kitchen for a drink of water. She refuses to leave her house, but that is a whole other issue. I should interject at this point that she has a friend (she's a bit younger than Mom), that comes by and checks on her. Leisha is her name. Leisha also picks their meds up for them, and brings them groceries. Granny pays her, of course, but they have become friends. That's great! However, Leisha can't move in, she's in college and has her own family to take care of. So, what I'm leading to is that it looks like I get to go to Seagraves and take care of everyone. Yay. That's a sarcastic Yay. If I didn't love my Granny so damn much.....lol I leave tomorrow night. I said goodbye to Brenda and Sherri tonight. I can't talk about that....

Journey on Pa

My Pa died today. He would have turned 80 on September 6 this year. He was a strong, powerful, funny, loving, boisterous, handsome, and spirit filled man. I've often felt guilty for not spending as much time with him as I would have liked, but this morning after I heard the news I "saw" him standing before me saying, "Hon, you're the one I never had to worry about." I will miss him more than even I will know. I'm not sad that he's gone "home." I wish him well on the next part of his journey. I'm sad for me and those that love him...we'll miss him.

Rufus M. Wilson
September 6, 1928 - May 9, 2008
Seagraves, TX

Pain and Roses.

This may not be the most articulate of anything I ever write, but whatever. LOL

Jim Morrison once said,“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” I have had a moment today of feeling guilty over feeling my pain. Today isn't a good day for me, as far as physical pain. It's about a 7. Also, waking up to a story about a woman, her father dying with his head resting on the seat of an empty chair set out for Jesus didn't help, or did it? When I awoke this morning, my right eye felt like someone had stuck a hot poker in it, and seemed to get worse even after I took off my contacts. Nothing was helping, until I read Stormy's story about the old man and Jesus' chair. Was it divine healing I received, or can it be explained scientifically in that I cried therefore washing the inflammation of my eye? Does it matter?

The truth is, I feel divinity around me at all times. Even when I'm discussing the validity of Christianity, Paganism, and Atheism with my sister. I claim to be Christian and Pagan, she claims she's Atheist. The truth for both of us, in all reality, is that we're Agnostic. But, these are just labels. When someone asks me what religion I am, I cringe. Religions, to me, place too many boundaries on what a person can and cannot believe in. I don't believe in Religion, because I believe in individualism. I am me, You are you, We can come together for a time and exchange ideas and beliefs, but in the end, I am me, You are you. I usually laugh and say I'm "Tashidian." I don't believe anyone is right, nor is anyone wrong. I've always been told that it doesn't matter how you get there, it's the journey, and the final destination that matter. Divinity is within and all around. It's in the air, the water, the trees, the people you love, the people you want to smack upside their head, the loud car that rattles the windows with rap music, the pain in the eye when you wake up, the constant pain all over your body. Divinity is in joy and suffering. I used to look at things and say, "Okay, what am I to learn from this pain today?" Again, that was limiting myself, my mind, my soul. Finding joy outside of the physical is what is important. Divinity never leans you, you turn away from it. Become blinded to it. I'm being awakened, and my eyes are wide open....at least spiritually, because physically that's difficult right now. HAHA! right now I'm trying to decipher what it is I'm looking at.

Recently I had changed my status on myspace to "Tasha is free." I was asked "free from what?" I said it was from Me. Me, being my Ego. I am free. There are no longer silly constraints placed on me, that are impossible to live up too. Tony Morrison said, “Bit by bit . . . she had claimed herself. Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” That's where I am now. Claiming it. Owning it. Being it. Life's difficulties are still in my face, but I'm finding them easier and easier to deal with. This is something new and exciting! I am no longer afraid of myself. I accept my Self, my ideals, my beliefs, my abilities, my gifts with the fullest heart and open arms.

I'm not going to feel guilty about my physical pain. I'm going to forgive myself for playing Wonder Woman and lifting that antique bed. Most of all, I'm going to feel the pain, and rejoice in the fact that I CAN. I feel pain, just as I feel joy.

Stop and smell the roses. That was Tisha's advice today. I love roses.

Today, I'm a 7. Today I breathe.

Oprah and Eckhart Tolle: The Flowering of the Human Consciousness of "A New Earth"

I am going to begin using this blog as a way to study A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The blogs will not only contain what is discussed in the book, Tolle and Oprah's podcasts, and also my own input and thoughts as well. I'd love open discussion, if you have any thoughts of your own!

Oprah and Eckhart Tolle: The Flowering of the Human Consciousness of "A New Earth"

They were talking about walking into a garden or a park, and looking at plants, trees, the grass in a whole new way. To look at it without giving it a name, as a babe would. A deeper meaning of what the Bible says, to be child-like in nature, hit me. Suddenly I realize what it really means to be "innocent in this world." Oprah said she went out into her garden one afternoon, and didn't look at the lovely colors, the wonderful smells, but instead she saw the flowers for what they were, not their labels. She was in the Now. Tolle says that the compulsive naming of things, and applying labels, keeps us from stillness and true enlightenment. It disconnects us from Spirit when we are concerned, not for the thing it self, but its name, purpose, and what it can do for us (flowers - smell, color, beauty). Not labeling nature, as a start, causes a vibrating within life. The world around is vitally alive. Being in one's own head, or lost in thought, doesn't allow you to see the world and life around you. You begin to see decay, death, destruction, instead of the growth of the flowers, the flight of the bumblebee, the smile of a child. Squelch "The Voice in the Head" that asks all the questions, and doesn't hear the answers.


A woman from Alton, IL. called in and asked how Oprah has reconciled the teachings of Tolle and that of her Christian beliefs. Oprah told a story of how she was raised Baptist and how one day she was caught up in the rapture of a sermon when the preacher started talking about how God is omnipotent and omnipresent, but that he is a jealous God. She says it didn't feel right within her Spirit. This is something that I too faced as a child, and then later as an adult. The last time was one evening at the First Baptist Church in Seagraves, TX. I was working at the church, running the nursery, on Wednesdays and Sundays. There was a speaker that I could turn on and listen to the sermon. As I sat in that empty nursery, alone, and listened to the preachers sermon of "how great thou art, but ohhhhhhhhhhhh don't you piss him off," I wanted to scream. God is love. Pure love. How can God, the infallible, be jealous and full of rage? My beliefs and others differ, but I've opened up my mind to the belief that whether what I or others do or do not believe is the truth or not, it is the intention of Love behind the actions that matters. You have the choice to be jaded and cynical, just as you have the choice to be hopeful and love-full.
"Man made God in his own image. The eternal, the infinite, and unnameable was reduced into a mental idol that you had to believe in and worship as My God or Our God."

Old Spirituality vs. New Spirituality - In the old way the hierarchy, the church, tells you how to worship and how to behave outside of church. God and the path to follow him has already been set, you just have to follow the yellow brick road. This is the right way, and all other ways are wrong, is the teaching. The new spirituality is that you are your own best authority as you work to know and love yourself, you discover how to live a more spiritual life. You can listen and plow your own road to God. Many paths lead to spiritual meaning and peace, there is a rich array of gems from which to draw illumination. Those gems are teachings, sermons, world religions, world beliefs, healing, science, all experiences, and you use them all to "string a necklace all your own." (This was all loosely taken from the podcast)

Tolle doesn't want to change any ones mind or become their guru. The message is simply to strike a chord, and awaken something within you.

Ryan asked, "human history in the past years, especially in the last years, people have become more aware of 'Christ-consciousness.' Why do you think that is?" Tolle says that it is happening now because we are reaching a crisis point. Many things do not happen unless there is an absolute need for them to happen. In the past, this awakening was really a luxury. They tried to teach others, but were misinterpreted. Fallible man. We are awakening now, because if humanity is to make it to the next evolutionary level, we cannot allow the ego to become more and more destructive. If we do not step out of the egoic-consciousness, we will destroy ourselves and the planet. If you look at the history of the 20th century, you get a glimpse of what the non-evolutionary process, no major shift, does. There were 160-180million people in the 20th century were murdered by war, concentration camps, prison camps, starvation. If there is no shift, conflict will continue and eventually control.

This isn't just about being positive, but putting our own ego's in check. You are not your thought processes. Thought processes are conditioned through thousands of years of conditioning. This is how the ego arises. The dysfunction in the ego has created dysfunction in the world today. "Our individual fears, doubts, angers, jealousies, resentments, all contribute to the collective. In order to change the collective, each one of us has a responsibility to mine that within ourselves. That's how we're contributing to the collective." What ever you put out into the world, positive or negative, contributes to the energy field of the world.

The voice in the head is conditioned thinking. It is from teachings and experiences from birth. To recognize them as conditioned thought processes, then you become less identified by them and their restrictions. When these thoughts come up, don't tell them to go away, because it only gives it more power. Just be aware of the thoughts, but that it doesn't identify who you are. Guilt comes in when there hasn't been a decision made by You as to whether this is real or true. You are being led still, by conditioned thinking.

Do not ask what is my life's purpose, but what is life's purpose for me.

When people come together and enter the state of presence together, it generates an energy field, a different level of consciousness, in the present. Beware, however, to not become dependent on the group. Your responsibility is to be in the present at all times.

You don't become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness. The ego has many idea of who and what it wants to be, because it wants to have a better image of it self. "On that level, the essential dysfunction of the ego is still operating. This is why we have the phrase 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions.'" If your good behavior is still wrapped up in the ego, then it will be challenged and destroyed. You have to go beyond good and bad, and reach an unconditioned place within yourself. A formless consciousness. "Be still and know that I am God." The formless, or eternal, is where the soul resides. It is the untouched place that is, and forever will be, untouched, no matter what has or will happen to you. You can only do this by becoming Still. Not by going to sleep, but becoming more aware than ever. The way to begin to feel that, is to go out in nature. After a time, you begin to start to sense the stillness within nature. What you sense is also within you. It is a sacredness. There is no real definition of Sacred, because it is what you are.

There is a separation of ego within humans. There is an image of Me, and an image of You (I). This is the true self, and the ego. When we speak to ourselves, we says, "You shouldn't have said that." "You need..." "Why did You..." So, when one reaches a crisis point, for example suicide, they say, "I just can't live myself any more." There is the separation of the true self and the ego. The ego drives one to destruction, but recognizing the separation, the ego can be calmed and peace felt. True self = Stillness. You/I/Me - continuous suffering. Ego - the unobserved mind. Killing the Buddha is when the ego met, recognized, and dies because it cannot survive in true consciousness. The mind becomes Still.

You don't need years and years to undo the years and years of conditioning. It is done in the Now. Just find the point of power in the present moment. There are many things you can do to access the power of the presence. Ask yourself, "Am I still breathing?" to find out if you are still breathing, your attention moves from the ego to the body, and a focus is found. You become present in that moment. Even if it is just 5 seconds. Everyday motions like walking, washing hands, taking a cup out of a cupboard, do it consciously. Feel the water, smell the soap. Sense perceptions become acute and brings you into the moment. Feel the muscles, the motion of the body, there's a foot, feel every part of what it takes to get you to the top of the stairs. To the mind, that kind of thing is meaningless. However, this is how you bring in awareness. It is something fresh and new, and the more your old conditioning becomes eroded. Learning to do the simple things begin to retrain your mind. This is true meditation. Everything is a means to the end, so you never really get into the moment. You make a cup of coffee, but you really just want to drink it. Focus on the making of the coffee, then the drinking of it. Be present Now.

Power can only flow into your life until you are completely present Now.

In an ever changing world, a species either needs to adapt or die out. "Humanity is now faced with a stark choice: evolve or die." Consciousness does not stop to exist if humans are not here. We are forms that come out of consciousness. It is the evolutionary process. The unmanifested consciousness is God. God comes into manifested consciousness gradually. Through each human being, flowers, animals. So, even if the human species were to die out, the human consciousness would remain within the collective consciousness of the world. It is a transformation of form. There is a significant number of humans who are recognizing this fact, and their awakening is causing a shift within the world, and thus a great hope for the future of the species.

Be In the world, but not Of It.

The basis of life is the Present Moment. Find a place of acceptance. No matter where you are, come to terms and become friendly with the Present moment. The Present Moment is Life. What is my relationship with the Present Moment? Don't make the Present Moment you enemy, make peace with it in order to get yourself out of it. Example: Getting stuck in the mud. Accept what it is before you can begin to change it. Action then comes out of acceptance, not resistance, and a totally different energy begins to flow into what you do. It is empowered by life it self. WOW!

The more you make your thoughts and ideals into your identity, the more cut-off you become from the Spiritual within yourself. How Spiritual you are has nothing to do with what you believe, but everything to do with your state of consciousness. How spiritual you are means How Present you are. Stillness. What you believe in is not an important question, but are you present. People want to know what you believe in, in order to label you, so they can decide whether they can like you or accept you or not.

What I've Learned This Week.....

Since returning from my trip to W.TX, I've come to realize that I am hiding from who I really am. I scare myself sometimes with the way I think, the way I carry myself when I'm confident, the way I command attention. It's not something I'm used too. I've always been the wallflower, and happy to be so. There's a live from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil that I've always identified with, "It's better to be on the outside of a party, don't you think?" I'm a watcher, and observer. I don't talk much, partially out of watching and observing, but also, I'll admit, out of the lack of conversation skills. If I don't have anything to say, I want nothing more than to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. A friend of mine is always saying, "There's always something to talk about!" Nuh uh! LOL I'm also the keeper. I'm the one who keeps the secrets, keeps the people happy, keeps people safe. A servant, is what I was informed I was called, earlier this week. (that sentence looks strange....forgive me, I've been up all night) That is my choice. I choose to do and be everything that I am. I will acknowledge that, and so should everyone else. Life doesn't "just happen" to you. I need to work on my conversation skills, and that will come in time. For now, I can only do my best.

The other thing I've learned is that hiding from your true self only gets you into trouble. Facing who you are, and what you are, frees you. What else is there to say?

I've been challenged this past few weeks. Tested, if you will. People turn to me for guidance and wisdom, yet it is difficult to follow my own advice. There are things in life that test you. Some of which are small, others are enormous. I don't yet know the outcome, but what I do know is that with all the stress, pain and worry, I'm getting stronger in my faith. How bad can the test be then? Not that I'm challenging the universe or anything. LOL

I've had to finally accept the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I am in pain constantly and have terrible chronic fatigue syndrome. Several years ago, I slept for about 2 years. Literally. I'd had a terrible time with a friend, and ex-boss. The business I'd been working for was investigated federally. I'd moved to Houston where I had no friends or family. When I moved back to DFW, I tried for a long time to keep going. It was very difficult, because everyday I would have more and more pain. Worse and worse headaches. My jaws would lock, I'd get extra tired. Until finally, I gave in. For years I thought that because of what had happened with my life up to that point, I was so depressed, I needed hospitalization. Not that that ever happened....and Thank God(dess) for that!! When I accepted my Fibro state, it came clear to me. That time in my life, as horrible and dark as it was, had nothing to do with my mental state. I had entered an acute Fibromyalgia flare up. I did/don't have health insurance, so going to the doctor for treatments and medications is out. It seems, however, that with my acceptance of the disease/syndrome/whatever, I'm feeling better.

For years now, I've allowed the pain to define who I am. I lost myself in it. With accepting Fibro, it seems that I've accepted myself. I can deal with the pain now, and get back to being Me. I keep reminding myself of my favorite quote, "We are not humans having spiritual experiences, but spiritual beings having human ones (Wayne Dyer)." This is something that Spirit has chosen for me to experience, and so I accept it. Who am I to question spirit??